Tuesday, 5 January 2016

The Farce Of The Flux...*chapter five*

Chapter Five:

'The Farce Of The Flux'

Quite frankly I despised the tampon as much as I did the sanitary towel! Ok, the advantage of the tampon was that, unlike the sanitary towel, you didn't have to secure it into place with a nail gun to avoid the horror of it side stepping out of position, wantonly waving it's unsightly cargo at one an' all (after all, we ARE talking pre-'Always-With-Wings' here) but the tampon wasn't without its drawbacks either!

If certain variables were in place, thereby inducing an unfortunate alignment, one heavy coughing spasm could have that thing turbo charging through the Chamber of Vaginal Mayhem (new Harry Potter title?) to ricochet around the room like a stray bullet in a china shop, only stopping once it had maimed some unfortunate sod who happened to be within range!

Oh, and then, of course, there was the embarrassment of buying the damn things, especially when based upon the heaviness of flow.

Even here society manages to soil us with its need to sully everything through the ignorance of ridicule! What am I referring to? Well, I'll tell you! I'm referring to my once handing a box of SUPER PLUS Tampax to the cashier, knowing that his judgemental eyes were reading 'Tampons for Whores'!

Image result for tampax for whores
In essence, as by now I am sure you are well aware, dear reader, the whole farce of the flux infuriated me! I hated going to bed knackered after a hard day haemorrhaging only to wake up floating on top of the mattress in a sea of my own periodical putrescence! AND being constantly dragged from sleep throughout the night to tend to the demands of the tiresome tsunami, left me feeling even more knackered!

This state of fatigue also attracted other problems!

Problems like my flopping back into bed exhausted, only to sit bolt upright in panic as the brain suddenly asked "did you take the last one out before putting the fresh one in?"!!!!

I am certain that you have no want for me to elaborate further, however, it is suffice to say, I had to buy new BBQ tongs!

And I'll tell you something else that's exhausting...the mood swings!!

There's so much stuff going on at the same time! Crying, laughing, loving, HATING, hurting!! In fact, when the 16th century prophet Nostradamus reputedly referred to the apocalypse by saying, "When all four seasons are as one" I bet he was talking about his wife not the planet!

Yep, it ain't easy being a woman...being the psychopath on the menstrual cycle path! And God knows why all the women in the TV adverts for sanitary wear are depicted as being so bloody happy, merrily dancing around their handbags! If you REALLY want to portray the female during the period of her period, show her revving up a chainsaw as she balances a flame thrower over her shoulder!!

Who said women can't multi-task???...

To be continued:

Next time: Chapter Six: 'Invasion of The Womb Squatter'

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you!! Mega- chuffed you liked it! :) x

  2. Just catching up with these posts - fabulous :-D So glad all that is past and gone! But great to have such a laugh about it now.

    1. Thanks Cathy! Glad you're enjoying them...and yes, the flux can flux off! :D

  3. How did I miss these? They are horrible and hilarious and absolutely riveting. And, oh do they take me back... I've just caught up and am still snorting and giggling. Can't wait for more! (Isn't it completely depressing what we have to go through to get grandchildren?)

    1. Ohhhhh I'm so glad you enjoyed them, Barb! And yes...the agonies we endure all for the sake of stretch marks and madness...oh and kids yeah haha! ;) x

  4. Lynn, your posts are so accurate on the hormonal journey of a lady! Waiting for next chapter ...

    1. Thank you! :).....The next stage of our menstrual journey continues this weekend... :)

    2. I call my periods Vera, it's a suitable name for the annoying bleeder.